his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
