It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
