So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
