My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
