I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
