we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
