Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
