DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Randomize
