vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
