What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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