I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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