he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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