If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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