Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
