Soap is not a condiment
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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