Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
