someone get that fucking seahorse.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
