someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
