I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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