woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
