Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
