I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
