if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
