Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
