i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
