What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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