I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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