Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
