What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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