im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
