Define "chronic" masturbator.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
