At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
