I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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