3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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