I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
