he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
