The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
