You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
