In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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