no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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