i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
