I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
