Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dear god my vagina.
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