Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
