Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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