I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
