I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
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We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
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if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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