Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
