I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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