i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
