That's intense
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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