I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
