he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
