Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
