How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
