Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize