I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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