this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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