she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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