He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
