you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
