eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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