Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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